Red Sox @ ScottRosenthal.com

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
October 21, 2004

Top Ten Secrets To The Boston Red Sox Comeback
presented by Curt Schilling

10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.

9. We put flu virus in Jeter's Gatorade.

8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.

7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.

6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years.

5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.

4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.

3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.

2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!

1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.

Hey A-Rod, how does that World Series Ring taste?

Roger Clemens, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Yankee flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity," God said. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."

Roger felt special, indeed, and walked into his house. On his way up to the porch he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a bright red and blue sidewalk, a 50 foot flagpole with a Red Sox flag flying on it, and a Red Sox logo in every window. In the front yard was a sign reading 'Welcome To Beantown.'

Clemens looked at God and said, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I won three World Series rings, more awards than I can remember, and I won 300 games."

God answered, "So what do you want to know, Roger?"

"Well, why does Pedro Martinez get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Roger, that's not Pedro's house... it's mine.

Three baseball fans are walking home from a game at friendly Fenway Park.
One is wearing a Red Sox cap, the second one is wearing an Indians cap, and the third one is wearing a Yankees cap.
As they are walking down Commonwealth Avenue, they see a pair of legs sticking out from under a bush. Upon further inspection, they find that it is a totally naked dead woman.
A crowd starts to gather before the police arrive, so they decide to give the woman some vestige of dignity. The first one places his Red Sox cap over her left breast. The second one places his Indians cap over her right breast. The third one places his Yankees cap over her crotch.
The police arrive to investigate. The detective picks up the Red Sox cap for a moment, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her breast. He picks up the Indians cap, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her other breast. He picks up the Yankees cap, takes a quick look, starts to write in his notepad, but stops and scratches his head for a moment, with a puzzled look on his face. Then he kneels down real close, sticks his fingers in the womans' crotch, spreading it open and staring.
Now one of the baseball fans yells at him: “Hey, what are you some kind of pervert?”
To this the officer replies: “Oh, no, of course not. I just need to double check because every other Yankees cap I’ve ever seen had an ASSHOLE under it!”

A little girl went to her second grade class one day and the teacher said "I'm a Yankees fan. Who else is a Yankees fan?" The whole class raised their hands except for the little girl, so the teacher asked her, "What's your favorite team?" When the little girl said the Red Sox, the teacher asked her why and she answered, "My mom and dad are Red Sox fans, so I am a Red Sox fan." The teacher became annoyed and so she asked, "Well if your dad was an asshole and your Mom was an asshole, what would that make you?"
The little girl replied "That would make me a Yankees fan."

During a tour of Boston, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Cape for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a pin-striped Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Red Sox jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side.

The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Yankee
fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to
death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told
about there being bad blood between Sox and Yankee fans but now I have
seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing.

Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?"

Albert Einstein is at a party and he's surrounded by a small crowd of admirers. He introduces himself to the first member of the group, and asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "191."

"Wonderful!" says Einstein. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert then turns to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"

She responds, "123."

"Ah!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We, too, have much to discuss!"

Einstein then notices a third member of the group and again inquires about the man's IQ. This time the answer is "62." The great physicist ponders for a moment, then brightens and says, "GO YANKEES!"

A Boston native dies and is sent to Hell. The Devil tries to make him as uncomfortable as possible, maintaining a temperature of 100 degrees, but the man does not seem to mind.

"How can you be comfortable?" the Devil asks.

"I used to spend my summers on the Cape," the man replies. "This feels just like June. I can handle this."

"Very well then," says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 130 degrees.

"No problem," answers the man. "My studio apartment was $2000 a month, so I couldn't afford an air conditioner. This feels just like July."

"Have it your way," says the Devil, and he turns the heat up to 180 degrees.

"Big deal," says the man, still unfazed. "I used to sit in the bleachers at Fenway Park. This feels just like August."

The Devil thinks for a moment, then decides to reduce the temperature to minus-50. At this, the man smiles, and starts jumping up and down and shouting happily.

"What now?" asks the Devil.

"Hell froze over!" the man yells triumphantly. "The Red Sox must have finally won the World Series!"

Q. What do Grady Little and Don Zimmer have in common?

A. Neither one can take out Pedro!

Two boys are playing hockey on the Boston Common pond when one is attacked by a vicious rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick and scares the dog off, stopping the attack. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Bruins fan saves friend from vicious animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Bruins fan," the little boy replies.

"Sorry. Since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts again. "Red Sox fan rescues friend from horrific attack...” he continues writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" the boy says.

"So, what team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Yankees fan!" the child beames.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little brat from New York kills beloved family pet."

Four baseball fans - a Cubs fan, a Cardinals fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Cubs fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for the Cubs!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan shouts, "This is for the Cardinals!" and throws himself off the mountain.

The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for everyone!" and pushes the Yankees fan off.

Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Johnny was being quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, sent the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Yankees but I was too embarrassed to say so."

A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my
birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother."

Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."